We may not fully realize it, but we are not just living our lives—we are narrating them. Not just occasionally, not just when something big happens, but continuously, with an inner voice that so rarely takes a break that we simply may not notice it anymore. It starts just as we wake up, and it hums along while we’re driving, walking, talking, deciding…living. All day long.

In my most recent conversation with Tom Schlesinger—a master of story who has helped shape the emotional architecture behind some of the great work of Pixar Animation Studios and Lucasfilm—we discuss how imperative it is to remember that you are not just a character in your life—you are also the storyteller. Life will still bring what it brings—surprises, challenges, moments you didn’t script—but within those moments, you still have the power to choose what story you step into next.

Don’t Listen to the ‘Monkey Chatter’ (it doesn’t have the facts!)

Tom Schlesinger has a name for that ever-present voice in our heads: “the monkey chatter.” Once you name it and begin to recognize it, it’s almost impossible not to recognize it. It chatters constantly; filling in blanks, inventing meaning, jumping to conclusions, generally trying to “figure things out”—whether it has enough information or not. 

That’s the real problem: it doesn’t wait for the full picture. 

No matter what, when we look at a situation, there are gaps in what we know. Often—more often than you’d think—those are big gaps. We don’t know what someone meant, what’s going to happen next, or why something unfolded the way it did.

The human mind is not built to stay in that uncertainty, and the monkey chatter rushes in to fill the gaps with a story. Then—because this instinct is meant to keep us safe—we act as if that story is implicitly true; we react to it, feel it, and make decisions based on it, all without ever stopping to ask whether it’s accurate.

If you never learn to examine the story, you will live inside of it as if it is an absolute truth—but if we simply take a step back and take an honest look at many of these stories, we would probably find that they are not particularly generous. They lean toward caution, doubt, and limitation. 

How to Silence the Monkey and Ground Yourself in Reallity

Once you realize that you can take back the reins, you’ll probably also begin to realize that you’ve been handing over the narrative of your own life without even realizing it. Old habits, interpretations, and fears slowly accumulate over time—from family, culture, media, past experiences, etc.—spinning stories, filling gaps, reacting to assumptions. 

This can create an agonizing mental loop in which we are, quite literally, “in our own heads.” We’re disconnected from what’s actually happening in the present moment. So what do we do?

When you notice you’re lost in the story, you can return to what’s real by simply breathing and reconnecting to your body. It sounds almost too simple, but it works. Try it now with any one of these exercises: 

1. Take slow breath: In for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for four seconds. Wait another four seconds, then repeat.
2. Take a moment to notice your feet on the ground, your hands, the air moving in and out. Take a mental inventory of your body, from your toes up to the top of your head; assess how each part feels in the space.
3. Look around yourself and simply observe a few things that are real in the space around you: Concrete things, feelings, sounds, and smells that you can sense right now.

The shift that any one of these grounding exercises creates brings you back into what is actually happening, rather than what your mind is constructing about what might be happening. It puts you back in the driver’s seat—and from the driver’s seat, suddenly, you have more choices about where to go. 

You Shape Your Story by Actively Participating in It

Tom Shlesinger isn’t suggesting that we pretend life is easy or that we ignore real challenges; quite the opposite. What he’s pointing to is far more grounded: you can choose a story that helps you move forward, even in the presence of difficulty. 

The people who move forward—who create meaningful, joyful, impactful lives in difficult circumstances—aren’t the ones with perfect conditions. They aren’t living easier lives. They’re the ones who have learned, often quietly, to choose better stories. They cast themselves as participants, not bystanders, and they interpret setbacks as part of the story unfolding, not as the end of the road—and because they do that, they are living inside stories that allow for possibility.

We don’t need perfect circumstances—we need to learn to tell ourselves a story in which we can take the next step. The moment you realize that you have that power—that you don’t need to wait for permission or an open door—you unlock infinitely more opportunities. 

The fact that we are constantly living within a story that we create may feel a little unsettling at first, but it’s also incredibly empowering—because if the story is something we’re writing, then it’s something we can learn to write better…and, eventually, reshape however we want.

Get Curious About the Story that’s Unfolding

In Tom’s world, story is everything. He can tell you firsthand that audiences don’t respond to facts—they respond to meaning. You can take the exact same set of events and tell the story in two different ways, and people will walk away feeling entirely different things. Hopeful or discouraged. Energized or defeated. Open or closed.

One of the most powerful things we can do is simply interrupt knee-jerk thoughts, not with judgment or force, but with curiosity. Curiosity is one of the most practical tools we have for changing our inner story.

Two people can walk through the same disappointment and come out in completely different places. One story might quietly say,“See? This is how it always goes. I’m not cut out for this.” Whereas another might say, “Well…that’s interesting. What might be happening in the bigger picture here?” 

Same moment, different story: Entirely different trajectory. The same is true in your life. The facts don’t determine your experience nearly as much as the story you attach to them. 

You Can Learn to Do It!

So what does this actually look like, on a Tuesday afternoon, when nothing particularly dramatic is happening, to suddenly choose to begin creating a story that opens doors instead of closing them?

It doesn’t look particularly different at all, but it can feel like a small revolution. What you have to do is try to notice when the monkey chatter fills in the gaps with a quick conclusion like “This always happens to me,” or “I’m not good at this,” or “They probably didn’t like that,” and instead of simply accepting it, you catch yourself—and use whatever method works for you to return to your breath, to your body, to what is actually here.

Then, from that steadier place, you ask: What else could be true here?

That question is one I’ve come to rely on in my own life, and it’s surprisingly powerful. It doesn’t pretend things are easy, but it interrupts the default narrative and invites the assumption that there might be something unfolding that I don’t fully understand yet. That alone changes how I show up for whatever’s next.

When you change the story, you change what you’re able to see—and when you change what you see, you change what’s possible.

If this episode interests you, you’ll love Tom’s earlier conversation, What Dogs Teach Us About Life — with Master Storyteller Tom Schlesinger (Episode #238), in which we explored the inner world of dogs—creatures unburdened by rumination, living fully in the moment, attuned to connection and sensation—and we considered what it might look like for humans to borrow a bit of that wisdom.

• CoG Episode #12: Breathe Better with James Nestor
• CoG Episode #107: Misery or Mindfulness? Choosing Your Perspective Wisely with Dr. Srikumar Rao
• CoG Episode #191: What Astronauts Bring Back From Space: The Overview Effect with Frank White
• CoG Episode #204: The Art of Growing Bigger Than Your Problems with Dr. Srikumar Rao
  
  Focusing: a therapy technique from Eugene Genlin (U. of Chicago)
  Good Thing Bad Thing proverb: Full story and analysis here
  
  Books by Michael Singer:
  • The Untethered Soul
  • The Surrender Experiment
    

• 00:00 – Intro & Welcome
• 04:04 – How Self-Talk Shapes Emotions and Decisions
• 07:49 – Rehearsing Problems That Never Happen
• 10:13 – The Power of Breathing to Reset Your Mind
• 12:42 – A Story That Shaped a Lifetime Belief
• 18:39 – How Stories Create Emotional Patterns
• 22:48 – What Makes a Story Truly Connect
• 27:26 – Break
• 29:41 – How to Catch Harmful Thought Patterns
• 34:54 – Rewriting Your Inner Narrative
• 59:54 – Triggers, Boundaries, and Emotional Control
• 01:05:55 – Why We Get Stuck in Negative Loops
• 01:08:53 – Good Thing Bad Thing Who Knows
• 01:13:45 – Zooming Out to See the Bigger Picture
• 01:16:58 – Simple Daily Practice to Reset Your Mind