Picture how we teach kids math and science, and history; kindly and patiently making sure they have the tools they need in order to move to the next level.  We don’t punish students for not being ready to go to move on to Algebra II—we help them until they master Algebra I. 

So why do we punish them for not knowing how to manage emotions like anger, fear or frustration? 

It’s a glaring double standard that shows up in classrooms across the country. The big question for our guest, AJ Crabill, is this: Why should we treat social-emotional skills differently from the academic skills we teach?

AJ is suggesting a fresh approach; He’s suggesting certain that school curriculums should include giving kids more tools for reacting to the complicated world around us, and that we teach them just as rigorously as they teach conventional subjects. 

As AJ puts it:

“Students need the tools to manage their emotions, to handle stress, and to navigate conflict. What happens when they don’t have those tools? Predictably, they might act out, talk back, fight, or disrupt class, because those are the only “tools” they’ve been given to survive, to be seen, or cope with emotions like fear and anger.” 

This is the idea that lies at the heart of AJ Crabill’s work and his new book, Our Tools They Deserve, and we are proud to talk to him about his important insights today.

Building the Right Toolbox for Every Child

AJ Crabill’s decades of experience with students, teachers, and school leaders has shown him one undeniable truth: misbehavior is often a symptom, not a character flaw. He believes that fighting, disrespect, talking back—these behaviors are simply what kids use when they haven’t been given healthier tools to work through their challenges.

Think of it this way: when math is difficult, we offer tutoring, resources, and additional support. But when a child acts out because they’re struggling emotionally, too often the default response is to punish. 

This is where Crabill’s concept of “empathetic accountability” comes in. He suggests a new way forward—one that doesn’t ignore accountability, but also doesn’t see punishment as the only path. Instead of sending kids out of the classroom or labeling them as “problems,” Crabill wants educators to approach misbehavior with curiosity and compassion. Behavior can be a way for children to communicate, and it is up to us to unlock the message that is coming through loudly, but not clearly.  

As he explained in his TEDx talk, “Every child wants to feel seen, heard, and valued.” When kids act out, it’s often their way of saying, “I need help here!” They need adults who can look beyond the behavior to ask, “Why is this happening?” and “What tools can I give this student so they don’t need to use anger or defiance as a crutch?”

Why This Matters to All of Us—Not Just Educators

Crabill’s ideas aren’t just relevant to schools. They’re a call to rethink our own lives, and to look at the people around us with fresh eyes. When someone frustrates or challenges us, we might ask ourselves: are they missing some tools? What if that person is working with the only “tool” they’ve got for handling the situation? Whether it’s a coworker’s passive-aggressiveness or a friend’s outburst, Crabill’s vision encourages us to replace judgment with curiosity.

In the classroom, the results of this approach are remarkable. When schools adopt this empathetic, relationship-centered mindset, students thrive. Attendance improves, grades go up, and kids feel supported instead of sidelined. This method also saves money by reducing suspensions, leaving resources available for proactive programs that help build up each student from the inside out.

Crabill’s work is revolutionary in how it reframes “bad behavior” as a signal for unmet needs. 

This is a game-changer in education: what if, instead of treating misbehavior as defiance, we saw it as a plea for help? When students disrupt class or lash out, Crabill encourages us to pause and consider what might be behind that behavior. Are they struggling with bullying? Do they lack a stable home environment? Have they learned any alternatives to anger or fear?

We can do better than simply punishing kids for having a limited emotional toolbox.

In Our Tools They Deserve, Crabill shows us that reframing misbehavior this way doesn’t let kids “off the hook”—it actually puts them on a path toward growth. It’s about teaching accountability and resilience, not through punishment, but through the steady support of adults who believe in their potential. And it’s not just idealistic thinking, either; this method has proven results. Schools that take this approach report fewer disciplinary issues, stronger student engagement, and, ultimately, better academic outcomes.

Reimagining Discipline to Unleash Every Child’s Potential

Crabill’s insights align closely with what we stand for here at the Goodness Exchange: every person has value, every brain is beautiful, everyone has something they are uniquely built to contribute, and every challenge is an opportunity to grow. 

His vision of “empathetic accountability” offers us a hopeful path forward, one that reframes discipline as a tool for empowerment rather than a measure of control. In our interview, he reminded me of a powerful truth: 

“We all want the same thing—for our kids to thrive. But that won’t happen unless we’re willing to challenge our assumptions and try new approaches.”

When we shift our perspective like this, discipline becomes a part of the solution, not the problem. 

Instead of casting kids out for acting up, we can draw them in closer, and give them the tools they need to become the best version of themselves. Every child deserves the chance to grow in a supportive environment—and when they do, they bring those skills into the world, enriching their communities, workplaces, and families.

The Bigger Picture: Empowering Kids Empowers Society

So how can we help bring Crabill’s vision to life? 

Whether you’re a parent, teacher, business leader, or just someone who cares about the future, we can all adopt this mindset of giving others “the tools they deserve.” When we approach conflicts with empathy, we can create breakthroughs instead of breakdowns. Crabill’s message isn’t just about better schools; it’s about building a world where people are equipped to thrive, not just survive.

Crabill’s approach calls us to act, not out of a desire for control, but out of a commitment to support and understanding. 

Here’s the bottom line: We all need tools to succeed in life, not just in academics, but in handling its many various ups and downs. If we start seeing kids—and each other—not as problems to fix, but as people to support, we’ll be creating a more compassionate, resilient, and thriving world for everyone.

• Website: Student-Led restorative Practices
• Contact AJ at [email protected]
• Book: Our Tools They Deserve: Why Adults Choose Retribution, How Students Can Practice Restoration by AJ Crabill
• Book: Great on Their Behalf: Why School Boards Fail, How Yours Can Become Effective (Effective School Boards) by AJ Crabill
• Podcast: AJ’s First CoG Interview Episode #126
• Video: Sal Kahn – How AI could save (not destroy) education

• 00:00 – Intro & Welcome
• 03:03 – Why School Systems Exist
• 08:34 – Maximize Potential for Students
• 13:50 – The Story of ‘Jasmine’
• 23:48 – Break
• 26:04 – Aj’s Book ‘Our Tools They Deserve’
• 37:25 – Practice Restoration, Not Retribution
• 43:51 – Misconceptions Towards Children
• 48:40 – AJ’s Origin Story
• 53:20 – All Kids Want to Learn
• 56:45 – Behavior is Communication
• 01:01:18 – Everyone Has the Capacity for Something Great
• 01:02:15 – Engage With Your Community
• 01:05:05 – Closing