Best Friend or Bully? The Power of Positive Self-Talk

There are a lot of assumptions that could be made about someone who is caught talking to themselves. Are they unstable? Are they speaking to ghosts? Maybe they’re just wearing airpods? 

There are several reasons one might talk to themselves, and engaging with your inner narrative can have a tremendous impact on the way you feel about your life. But when we get right down to the power of our self-talk, it all depends on how and what you are saying to yourself.

So what exactly is self-talk?

Self-Talk is described by scientists and psychotherapists as a mental narration of verbal thoughts about yourself or your life. Self-talk begins early on in human development, which is why you will often spot toddlers talking to themselves when playing with their toys. At this stage in life self-talk helps youngins regulate their emotions and navigate social interactions they’ve witnessed among adults ¹.

As we get older things change a bit, the self-talk is still there but it becomes more of an inner monologue. Our self-directed words can still be wildly helpful for regulating our emotions, but since our adult emotions are more complex and the world around us is filled with more stressors and mental chatter, it’s easy for that inner childhood voice to grow into a full-size playground bully. Dwelling on the mean words from this self-talk “bully” is called rumination, a sort of never-ending spiral of negative emotions, often a sign of worsening depression and anxiety. 

Sound familiar? If you’d like to learn some helpful tips on how to break free from rumination, give this article a read.

Is there a better way to talk to yourself?

Check out this video by TED Ed for a deeper (and very amusing) little video that explains the different types of self-talk and the neuroscience behind why they are so vital to our success, or our undoing. 

After the video we will dive into some ways you can check-in with yourself and your inner voice to make sure you’re speaking to yourself in a way that will help you thrive.

Isn’t that a great little video? I know I giggled more than once while watching it. There’s also something wonderful about looking at yourself from an “alien’s point of view” that makes us zoom out of our own lives and gives us the ability to see the bigger picture. 

How the importance of how you speak to yourself comes into play.

Have you heard about people experimenting with how kindness affects plants? Back in 2019 a mother-daughter duo conducted an experiment where they spoke to two identical plants with very different words. One plant received compliments and joyful words, while the other was berated with insults. Can you guess which one lived longer? 

Here’s a short little video about it by CBS New York.

Pretty amazing right? 

An article by The Guardian suggests that the plants were responding to the volume and vibrations more so than the actual words spoken, but it definitely makes you think about how powerful that type of intense energy can hold ⁴. Just like plants, we are living things that respond to energy, good and bad. Furthermore, your brain believes it when you say something not-so-nice to yourself, so let’s try to only allow the positive affirmations in!

Bring on the good vibes.

As those videos show, the words we use have a great impact on our perspective of ourselves and the world around us. And in a modern society where our mental loads are rather heavy, a kind word to yours truly could be the key to making it through each day with a young heart. So, here are a few tricks to get a more kind conversation started with yourself.

1. Speak to yourself in a kind tone. Imagine you are the plant, and say something sweet and lovely to yourself as part of your morning routine. Perhaps a little “Hi! You are super cute and are really good at making that omelet.”. It may feel silly at first, but just embrace that silliness and pretend you are talking to your best friend.

2. Understand that pain is all part of being alive and you are allowed to feel bad about things. Don’t get down on yourself for being sad or frustrated. Feel it, examine the feeling, and then let it go.

3. Practice self-compassion. We are often our worst critics, and this is why it’s so important to cut yourself a little slack. Set realistic expectations for yourself and remember, we’re all human. Say something nice to yourself like “ Ah, we didn’t win the race, but we finished it in a blaze of glory!”.

4. If none of these work for you, maybe try cognitive behavioral therapy. Speaking kindly to yourself is not something that will not come naturally to most. In fact, it may take some extra time and inner work because lots of people have gotten into the habit of talking to themselves in a way that forces them to push beyond what’s healthy. However, if you take the time to allow yourself to get some help in the area of self-love, the reward will be one that your inner bestie will thank you for in the long run.

But wait, it’s more than just good vibes!

By now we’ve covered the reasons why it’s good for your confidence and mental well-being to manage the tone of your self-talk, but did you know that talking to yourself is great for problem solving too? Heck, Einstein used to talk to himself all the time!

In the world of web development, professional coders talk their problems out using a process called  “rubber ducking”. Say you are stumped on a specific coding problem, you talk the problem out aloud to a literal rubber ducky…and oftentimes the answer will come to you ⁵! 

Talking to yourself can also help you prepare for a difficult conversation, allowing you a practice run so you can express yourself calmly when it’s time for the real thing ⁶. 

Additionally, direct self-talk can be beneficial for reducing stress when someone is attempting to carry out an anxiety-inducing task such as performing for a crowd or public speaking. I can attest to this as an on-again off-again singer and ukulele player who struggles with her nerves before each show. A little pre-show chat pointing in the mirror saying “Renee, you are totally talented and prepared and are going to blow everyone away today! You got this!” … This actually helps. A lot.

A few words to remember the next time you have a conversation with yourself.

You’re not alone. Almost everyone you’ll meet has a complex inner dialogue percolating in their heads too. So if you get busted talking to yourself in public, don’t stress, laugh it off and just say something nice and reassuring to yourself. 

“Look how good I have become at talking to myself!”

Keep dreaming and notice the beauty around you,

~ Renee